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Quiz: Are you a closet Tory?

The Independent on Sunday 24 September 2006

You don't trust 'Call me Dave', but you have to admit a sneaky admiration for him and a deep malaise with New Labour. Do you finally have to accept your fate as a Cameroonian?

By Jo-Anne Nadler

Published: 24 September 2006

1. An American entrepreneur wants to open a supercasino at the end of your street, bringing investment to the area. You...

a. Organise a protest against American imperialism
b. Write to the Telegraph raising concerns about the dangers of gambling addiction
c. Applaud the government's good sense in letting adults spend their money as they wish, and campaign for a lap-dancing establishment alongside it

2. Despite economic stability you notice the effects of Gordon Brown's 10 tax-raising budgets. You think...

a. Good thing too - I can't wait till my pips squeak
b. I'd like taxes cut, but not at the expense of investment in the public services
c. Follow George W's lead and cut taxes on high earners

3. You've just finished the weekly shop. At the checkout your five-year-old demands a bumper bar of chocolate. You...

a. Buy it - but only if it's sourced from a fair-trade collective on the West Bank
b. Give him some nuts and seeds instead and later petition the supermarket about its irresponsible approach to marketing
c. Go along with it - anything for a quiet life, and no one ever suffered from hyperactivity disorder in your day

4. You are buying clothes for your eight- year-old daughter. You favour trainers and dungarees, she wants the glittery boob tube and leatherette mini. You...

a. Buy the dungarees but promise she can jazz them up with all your old CND badges
b. Go elsewhere, but later write a strong letter of complaint to the first shop, citing its inappropriate sexualisation of children as the reason for your refusal to buy there ever again
c. Tell her that no daughter of yours is going out looking like that as long as she is living under your roof and can't afford to support herself

5. You have three children at the local school. It may have failed its Ofsted report but...

a. You're not going to do a Diane Abbott
b. You are a school governor and although you privately regret that it is no longer a grammar school, you worry about the inequity of selection and think that streaming is a sensible alternative
c. You live in Windsor. The local school is Eton

6. You go to see Al Gore's new film about climate change. You react by...

a. Selling the beloved old Trabant and giving the money to Greenpeace
b. Fitting photovoltaic cells on your roof and erecting a wind turbine at the holiday home
c. Cancelling the time-share in Marbella and building a pool in the back garden to celebrate global warming

7. A friend confides that he wants advice on how to reduce the amount of inheritance tax his children will pay when he dies. You tell him...

a. All property is theft. Sell up now and donate the proceeds to Castro's medical expenses
b. Be grateful that he owns a property so valuable, and that he should balance his duty to his family with a wider sense of responsibility to society as whole
c. The name of your tax advisor and some tips about off-shore investments

8. You notice a group of hooded youths menacing some little old ladies. You...

a. Regret the fashion for hoodies. What was wrong with a Che Guevara cap and a CCCP T-shirt?
b. Phone the police and the social services. You want to be tough on crime, but also to consider the social circumstances that drive otherwise good people to do bad things
c. Get stuck in, remembering your old hero Tony Martin

9. You are offered a promotion which will double your salary but take you away from home several nights a week. You...

a. Take it immediately, as it's such an honour for the party to offer you that kind of job. OK, it's in North Korea - but you've got to show commitment to the cause
b. Feel tempted, but decide to turn it down. It would be nice to move up a postcode from W10 to W11, but the kids don't have to go to private school and quality of life is just as important as quantity of money
c. Take it immediately, as it is a great honour for the bank to offer you that kind of job. OK, it's in New York - but you will be able to retire at 45

10. You need a minor operation but you will have to wait. You...

a. Wait, blame New Labour's creeping privatisation of the public services, and call for a day of action
b. Wait, blame New Labour's financial mismanagement of the health service, and visit a homeopath in the meantime
c. Go private, and get a tummy-tuck done while you're at it

How did you score?

Your answers are mainly a's

You are a hopeless old lefty with nowhere to go since Livingstone rejoined New Labour and Galloway took to animal impressions on primetime TV. You had some mates in the Lib Dems, but Simon Hughes was their last chance. You may consider joining the SWP so you can mount a breakaway cell.

Your answers are mainly b's

You are a multicultural, socially entrepreneurial, corporately responsible, family-loving, tree-hugging, liberal (small l) conservative (small c) Tory! You were anti-apartheid, pro-European, never a neo-con, always a centrist. You wear natural fibres, eat organic, employ Hispanic and drive a hybrid. But whatever you call yourself, you are a Cameroonian through and through.

Your answers are mainly c's

You are somewhere between a Libertarian (big l) and an unreconstructed Thatcherite who got on your bike not to help the environment but to make your fortune. You think life's not fair, you'd bring back the 11-plus and national service, you'd pull out of Europe and you'd build more prisons. You don't trust David Cameron and are more likely to vote for UKIP.